Original, On-The-Ground Reporting Of #TrumpIsDead
Citizen journalism at its finest.
The mainstream media refuses to cover this story, so I must:
Here's what we know: 1. Trump is dead (died badly) 2. has suppressed this news (or has he?) 3. Donald Trump Junior is now just plain Donald Trump please like and share.
My cousin told me she was there when it happened, and that he fell out of a helicopter & onto another helicopter that was hovering below the helicopter he was in. Everyone in the area got sprayed with his blood and some got it in their mouths & said it tasted like asbestos.
The mainstream media is covering this up, but everyone who was there said he jumped out in perfect swan-dive form, and yelled “I’m sorry, Jared!” just as he slammed into the propellers of the helicopter that pulverized his entire body in front of hundreds of onlookers.
He must have been going to a Halloween party or something, because all of the first-hand reports I’m getting say that he was dressed in the low-cut, sequenced jumpsuit made popular by Freddie Mercury in the 80s. By all accounts, the helicopter is fine.
Okay, further reporting has confirmed through trusted anonymous sources that Trump often wears this outfit when he rides in a helicopter, often under his suit, out of superstition. Sort of a businessman’s version of magic Mormon underwear.
What I’m hearing now: all passengers on the 2nd helicopter — the one that chopped Trump up into tiny, unidentifiable fragments — were industrial pork farmers on their way to a BJ & THE BEAR convention. No info yet on if convention tix are still available.
More details emerging about the pilot of the 1st helicopter — from which Trump jumped to his bloody, scattered death. She’s believed to have been dressed in full hot-dog costume, standard dress code for Trump helicopters. Reportedly, costume not stained by blood.
Her social media presence mostly comprised of BEWITCHED fan fiction — the 2005 Will Ferrell movie, not the TV series. At this time, it doesn’t seem to have been a factor in Trump’s violent, horrible death in which he was chopped down to bite-sized chewable chunks.
Initial reports point to the helicopters traveling together to the BJ & THE BEAR convention, and that they were on schedule when Trump leaped into the sweet embrace of his gnarly, gruesome demise. Neither BJ nor the Bear has been reached for comment at this time.
Trump, his entourage, and the industrial pork farmers were expected to arrive at the BJ&B convention in time to receive special-edition souvenir t-shirts specifically for early-arriving attendees. Sources confirm that Scott Baio is at the convention, and received a t-shirt.
Both helicopters made emergency landings at a nearby high school football field, where they used water hoses to wash all of the blood & Trump-bits off as best they could before continuing the trip. Bystanders described a sharp sulphur smell & circling coyotes.
A source familiar with the events on the helicopter has confirmed that the song playing on Trump’s phone as he jumped was “Some People” from the ETHEL MERMAN DISCO ALBUM. Merman could not be reached for comment, as she died in a similar helicopter accident in 1984.
This story continues to develop… As the masticated viscera of the former president rained down onto the helicopter that was his ultimate undoing, much of it made its way into the internal mechanics underneath. Experts say the helicopter could be out of commission for weeks.
Local news from the area where the helicopters made their emergency landings is reporting that several infants have been snatched and eaten by rabid & deranged coyotes in the last several hours. A connection to the gruesome suicide of the former president is as yet unconfirmed.
The pilot of Trump's helicopter, who was dressed as a hot dog per Trump Org dress codes, has submitted her resignation after the bloodcurdling suicide of the former president. "So much blood, so much blood," she said in her statement. "My work here is done."
I seem to be the only one here covering this massive international news. The big orgs are nowhere to be seen. They want this story swept under the rug. Locals are sharing stories, however, and word is that the deranged coyote problem is worsening, and spreading.
New information coming in drips and drabs: My sources in Trump’s entourage tell me his final meal before plunging to his splattered demise was a bowl of Cheese-Its covered in ranch dressing. The last thing he ate was a Zagnut bar, but that doesn’t count as a meal.
The media turnout for Trump’s funeral is just me and a 1st-year reporter from The Coupon Clipper, a local mailer. Friends & family are light as well, because 1) he didn’t have friends, and 2) his grisly death by helicopter is still being kept quiet. More to come…
There is no casket — just a large portrait, painted, in a heavy gold frame. Not many flowers. Catering is about what you would expect at a Trump event: pigs-in-the-blanket, shrimp cocktail that is turning grey, and pulled-pork sliders, inexplicably BBQ-sauceless.
The musical choices are odd. About 1/2 showtunes, which was expected. A lot of CATS. Most of the other 1/2 is Poison's Greatest Hits mixed in with what I think is the BLOODSPORT soundtrack. Hors d'oeuvre selection has gotten better: tater tots have hit the table.
This is a developing story…